Like a curious child who’s just discovered the versatility of wondering “Why?” the shadows will keep creeping in until, eventually, you can’t avoid them.
A good sign that you’re having a meltdown is that you just spent $15.00 on an Eckhart Tolle audiobook. It’s a last ditch attempt to run away from your current self and discover that elusive peace of mind.
I’m not sure what convened the other day to tear the disordered gauze from my eyes, but, on an impromptu shopping trip, I managed to see myself in a more realistic light. And, in that light, I saw a sexless, hollow creature with nothing to grab at or touch, someone who looked like she was once again becoming a shell of herself.
On Sunday I Instagrammed a cry for help in the form of a drab coconut popsicle, the sad caption reading: my only friend. This dramatic statement is far from the truth, but in that moment, as everyone in NYC appeared deeply invested in something called the World Cup with their pals, and I sat alone in my apartment clogged with snot and overwhelming angst, it felt true.
The pain felt when realizing someone only talks to you when they’re sad is quite specific. It comes on slowly, until, suddenly, you’re faced with weighty questions re: what is friendship, in the vein of Seneca (but with decidedly more estrogen).
Falling out of love is not the doorway to anorexia, and falling into it will not save you. When we belittle and sentimentalize it, as this Thought Catalog piece does, we make it more difficult for people to overcome.
So I’m taking a short break from the blog this week as outside work is overwhelming me, but I didn’t want the week to go by without mentioning that it’s National Eating Disorder Awareness Week. Here, I’m re-sharing some of my writings on the subject of my anorexia and subsequent recovery, as well as the blogs I always referred to when I needed some extra guidance and support throughout that time.
Say what you will about the internet, but sometimes, when it’s 2:33 AM and you can’t sleep, and all of your thoughts are a tangled, contradictory mess…you stumble upon a stranger’s writing and it THRILLS you.
“Good answers to the big questions about medication are likely to proceed from careful attention to the actual experiences of the people who have faced them.” So here’s mine.