Things that Need to Stop in 2016


Here’s a picture of Fiona Apple wearing armor on the subway. Channel THAT this year.

In no particular order…

The description of any fashion trend as “groundbreaking.” No, it’s not—it was popular a few months ago, and will go in and out of fashion regularly for the next hundred-something years.

You telling me that any of your clothing items “spark joy.” The KonMari method is a goddamn lie—don’t be a willing participant.

Men lying about their height. Dear Men of the World, when you lie about your height on dating apps, we find out upon meeting you, and then have to spend the whole date beating ourselves up for being superficial assholes who care about such things.

Me caring about such things. Dear Jessica, you are 5’5. Get over it.

Everyone jerking off to Snapchat. I get it. It’s cool. But, no, I will not join—for both of our sakes.

The use of “Dear Reader” in an article. This is not a fucking bedtime story, you sound idiotic, please stop.

Casual killings. Hey! You know what’s truly insane? Shooting innocent children and then letting the perpetrators off the hook. Let’s do ourselves a favor and NOT give any more ground to the need for a “weekly unnecessary death forecast.”

Donald Trump.

Celebrities talking about feminism, because 9 times out of 10 it’s painful to listen to.

Rob Kardashian being depressed. Because I miss him.

Vague “will we, or won’t we” relationships. No, we either WILL or we WON’T, and then we can proceed (or not) from there.

Green juice. Because all it does is give you cavities and a flimsy sense of “holier-than-thou.”

Commenting on people’s weight, because, fuck, I donno, I want my friends to know they’re goddesses regardless of their weekly donut intake, and you should, too. Examples include: “have you lost weight?”; “you’re so skinny!”; “wah!”

Not commenting on someone’s weight when they look sick. I realize that our society promotes (nay—celebrates) eating disorders, but our society is also a shitshow so let’s do everyone a solid and not sit back n’ relax when someones ribcage is suddenly showing, or they’re getting up to puke after every meal. Help your friend—he/she will thank you one day.

Street style. Because it’s so predictable and boring now, guys.

You not being able to tell your friends you just want to stay in, or don’t want to stay out late. Hey, if my friends can deal with me Irish Goodbye-ing their asses all the time and lasting for about two drinks on a good night, than yours can too!

The Irish Goodbye still being looked down upon as an exit strategy. Hell. No. It should be LAUDED.

Me ordering all of my food out. Because I’d be rich right now if I didn’t, or just less broke.

You avoiding awkward conversations that are important. Life is too short not to say to your roommate “hey, you made a lot of noise last night” or to your best friend “hey, you’re always with so-and-so now and I resent it.” Good people will still love you when it’s over.

Adele hype. Sorry, she’s just…overrated.

You not exercising. This is not about your body, it’s about your brain, because me pre-exercise is murderous and awful, but me post-exercise is blissful crackhead ready to take on the WORLD, and don’t you want that for yourself?

Taylor Swift befriending every remotely-famous person with a vagina. Girl, stop, we see you.

“New York is the greatest place on Earth.”

Adam Driver’s marriage. Because I am still chomping at the bit.

Hating Miley Cyrus, because she’s actually a fucking champion who’s doing more for women than Lena Dunham, IMHO.

People sitting close to me at Whole Foods. I hate you all.

Facebook as political platform, because a place that allows you to share your FarmVille score and track the latest Kardashian antics is a weak ass choice for laying out your racist, misogynistic beliefs.

3 replies »

  1. Couldn’t agree more wirh Rob Kardashian, Donald Trump, Miley Cyrus, Adele, FB political forum views…to name a few. Agree, keep writing!

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