A list of people I do not trust, some more valid than others:

1. People who constantly use pet names to refer to each other (see: babe, doll, etc).

2. People who “don’t like” Taylor Swift.

3. People who don’t like peanut butter (excluding you CM).

4. People who never drink coffee.

5. People who “don’t read.”

6. People who refer to all their hobbies as guilty pleasures.

7. People who act offended when being asked for help.

8. People who didn’t watch The Real World growing up.

9. People who only have kinky sex.

10. People who went to an uber “progressive” high school.

11. People who suddenly become the BIGGEST FANS of every celebrity/designer who dies.

12. People who aren’t obsessed with The Olsens.

13. People who eat a strictly raw food diet.

14. And people who cleanse regularly.

15. People who are not neurotic.

16. People whose greatest dream is a white wedding, a white picket fence, and a bunch of (probably white) babies.

17. People who are quick to excuse Woody Allen for the sake of his art.

18. Any actor who played the father on a 90s TV show (thanks 7th Heaven).

19. People who don’t have snack times allotted throughout the day.

20. Women who only wear thongs (I mean–come on).