A list of people I do not trust, some more valid than others:

1. People who walk on their toes.
2. People who describe others only as “cool,” and with too much frequency.
3. People who like radishes, by themselves.
4. People who don’t like to dance.
5. People who “love giving blow jobs.”
6. People who talk throughout a movie.
7. People who never talk about anyone, ever.
8. People who don’t like chocolate.
9. People who mention Paradise Lost in casual conversation.
10. People who pretend Vogue is interesting.
11. People who pretend there’s something special about Kale.
12. People who walk too slow.
13. People who treat every sentence like a Scrabble game.
14. People who make out ferociously on crowded subways.
15. People whose sneakers stay bright white.
16. People who don’t brush their teeth with regularity.
17. People who wear too much color.
18. People who don’t like gin.
19. People (female) who orgasm “every time.”
20. People who are only children.
21. Blake Lively.