Dear Diary.

Dear Diary #17.


  1. Wear a bra—you may not have much to offer in the boob category, but you do have nipples.
  2. When you’re already having a really shitty day and a woman taps you on the shoulder to tell you your skirt rode up and your ass is on display, life is pretty much telling you to quit.
  3. But you shouldn’t quit, because misery makes for great writing.
  4. So be sure to capitalize on hating everything right now. And don’t try too hard to get happy.
  5. When you’re sitting around a fire pit with children between the ages of 12-15, you should think of a better discussion topic than cocaine.
  6. Know that if you’re stuck in a car for over an hour listening to slow Cat Stevens, you’ll probably start bawling like an idiot.
  7. Be less annoyed when the movie theater you’re in fills up. It’s, you know, a public space.
  8. If you tell a cab driver you’re in a huge rush you can pretty much expect him to move like molasses. Don’t jinx yourself.
  9. Ringing the doorbell of your friend’s empty apartment endlessly won’t make her magically appear.
  10. Just because you’re comfortable with talking about how you’re both insecure and jaded doesn’t mean anyone else wants to acknowledge that they are too.
  11. Don’t act so offended when people you’re not interested in ask you out on dates, asshole.
  12. Stop aggressively getting rid of things you own in an effort to “take control” of a life you can’t actually control.
  13. Never lead with, “So, let’s talk Daddy Issues!”
  14. People who casually drop phrases like “harness your inner power” are 100% not your people.
  15. When you’re feeling sad, or like someone ran over your heart in those douchey toe-shoes and then kicked it over a cliff, you have to stop acting like you’re the first person in the world to ever feel this awful. The shoes may vary, but the stomping-on is universal.
  16. Incorporate the words “hack” and “disruptive” into casual conversation just to be annoying: i.e. “I have to go hack my outfit” and “I’m really into disruptive showering these days.”
  17. Try to actually finish a book instead of anxiously starting new ones every time you’re five pages into the previous one.
  18. Stop hoarding: magazines you won’t read, clothes you don’t like, feelings that are batshit insane, etc.
  19. Go to the movies so much more often.
  20. Incorporate “fuckboy” into your male friend’s nicknames as much as possible.
  21. Never underestimate the power of sprinting from place to place to boost your mood, or make everyone in your vicinity think you’re on speed.
  22. You’ve never made a rash decision you were proud of. Remember that.
  23. Try your best not to bring twelve books to France. You will end up reading one, if that. Ditto the excess clothing that you justify absurdly with thoughts like, “But what if there’s a Luau?”
  24. Channel John Waters more in your daily life.
  25. Allow yourself to get really, really weird in the vicinity of your siblings. They’re the only people who understand your random, incessant humming and need to laugh so hard it turns silent/potentially deadly because you stop breathing and start to cry.
  26. The best solutions are sometimes quite superficial–there’s nothing wrong with that.
  27. Keep trying to to ‘become one’ with the the looks-like-I-was-just-electrocuted natural state of your hair.
  28. Most people won’t appreciate “Congrats on your face” texts as much as you want them to, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t send them.
  29. When someone nosily asks for too many details about anything just say, “Listen, shit got reckless,” and walk away.
  30. If you want to maintain some level of not-being-a-fucking-loser, best not to admit how often “Fuck with me you know I got it” plays in your head. Except right now, right now it’s okay.
  31. Butter will love you for a long time. And don’t worry, your ass won’t let you forget it.

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