1. Don’t try to be open minded and befriend overly enthusiastic people at bars. It will not end well.
2. Don’t go for a run if you’re still kind of drunk. That will not end well, either.
3. You should probably do things like clean your toilet regularly, so that the guy you have over doesn’t have to point out there’s mold growing in it.
4. Don’t expect people to just intuit that certain things you own are ironic.
5. Pizza is definitely not the enemy.
6. Stop trying to convince people you’re an introvert. An introvert wouldn’t do that.
7. Continue to piss people off by not enjoying Phish whatsoever.
8. You’d be happier with more scrambled eggs in your life.
9. Explain to your sister that when she begs for “a few chickens” for her sixteenth birthday, without irony, she defines bougie.
10. Also explain to her that sixteenth birthdays are overrated (though you’re probably still bitter that you were grounded for yours).
11. Never spend time with people who say “bae” seriously.
12. Pretend you’re really into sports now.
13. Always lie on the floor when you have a stomach ache–regardless of where you are/what you’re wearing.
14. The Blind Barber is bullshit.
15. Stop ordering oatmeal at restaurants–it is never not awful.
16. The immense pleasure derived from rejecting men who are full of themselves is much more worthwhile than actually making out with them. Never forget this.
17. You don’t have to explain your selfies to ANYONE.
18. The point of making appointments is to keep them. Give it a shot.
19. When a waitress warns you that sitting in a certain spot will be miserable because it’s right under the AC, just take her word for it, you contrarian asshole.
20. Spend more time at restaurants that have erotic novels casually lying around.
21. And definitely read them aloud to your friends during the meal.
22. Don’t chose the hottest day of the year to revisit being thirteen by dramatically storming out after an argument with your father. You will regret it.
23. Do your broke self a favor and don’t even entertain the idea of shopping right now.
24. When you go through a 24-hour period of wanting to be a bartender, don’t be surprised when all your friends react with “Hahahaahaha” and don’t take you seriously at all.
25. Guys who don’t spell out the word “you” in texts can’t be trusted.
26. Know that every time you eat fro-yo you’re increasing your likelihood of getting cancer by about 50%.
27. Stop searching for and successfully finding exciting new ways to waste time.
28. It’s definitely not healthy to drink the ENTIRE french press brew you make in the mornings.
29. Being spontaneous is a good thing, don’t be so scared, J.
30. It’s a fact of life that when you have the lowest expectations, you’ll be the most pleasantly surprised. (And, conversely, when your expectations are high, life will shit all over you.)
31. So, basically, your excitement will always lead you astray.
32. Life goes on, EVEN if you’re bloated.
33. Watch more Wong-Kar Wai films, it’ll be good for your soul or something.
34. People don’t care that you’re ovulating and would prefer that you keep it to yourself.
35. When you run into old friends on the street don’t lead with: “Where the fuck did you disappear to?”
36. Red meat really wants to come back into your life. Just let it love you.
Categories: Dear Diary.