1. Downloading a meditation app does not count as meditating.
2. Not being able to sleep is called a problem, not a lifestyle.
3. Whenever you think you’ve interpreted a text correctly, think again.
4. Date hipsters if you never want to have any fun or decent sex.
5. Sales are not your friend.
6. Comparing a process to “dealing with the door guy at The Jane” won’t make sense to anyone over 30.
7. Wear more red.
8. Have a “Welcome Back, Cheeseburgers” party in which you have your first cheeseburger in years and force your friends to witness it. Real world #foodporn.
9. Having long intellectual discussions re: racism while out at the bar is not “chill.”
10. Try to get a handle on your aggressive public yawning.
11. If you order a Gin & Tonic and it doesn’t come with limes, you’re at a bar unworthy of your very special presence.
12. Slap yourself every time you find a child cute, or–god forbid–consider your life with one.
13. Nope, you still can’t read minds, so you should still stop trying.
14. Don’t be so bitchy when people think you have blue eyes. I suspect things could be worse.
15. You need to incorporate more Thelonious Monk into your life because not only is his music wonderful, the mere mention of it will make you seem cooler.
16. As of today, you can’t really afford your own lifestyle. Time to lock it up.
17. When in doubt, let go of your presumptions.
18. Your best friends are not going to sit back and let your eating disorder take the reins. Deal with it.
19. Nobody cares about your nice reader e-mails as much as you do, so stop forwarding them to your parents with tons of exclamation points, you big nerd.
20. The ideal friend with benefits is one you can casually sleep with but also go to for advice in matters of love. Obviously.
21. Eye-fucking on the subway is strongly encouraged: today, tomorrow, and always.
22. Men who are uncomfortable being kissed on the cheek by other men should not be trusted.
23. Never let good taste get in the way of a good time.
24. Take more bubble baths.
25. It’s not productive to spend so much time filling up online shopping carts with things you’ll never really buy.
26. “Birthday Sex” by Jeremih is actually always appropriate, and if people don’t understand that, well, those people are NOT for you.
27. Honor your girl crushes more than your actual crushes.
28. Smiling like a lunatic on the treadmill is a surefire way to have strangers resent you. So, keep it up.
29. Never underestimate the ability of false positivity to turn into the real thing.
30. Never underestimate the powers of dessert.
Categories: Dear Diary.