Dear Diary.

Dear Diary #14.

ME CHICAGO

NEVER STOP SELFIE-ING

1. If you’re not falling asleep on the couch in the bar at 9pm, you’re doing it wrong.

2. Don’t play Timeline around anyone you want to impress.

3. Write the Great American Novel about Tinder.

4. Don’t continue to make failed plans with people you don’t even like.

5. Be less excited when “cool people” follow you on social media. That shit will not be carved on your tombstone.

6. Although “Had many likes” would be pretty dope, if not entirely true. Add it to your will.

7. Stare blankly at people who ask you about the whole “Collective” aspect following Twenties. You don’t have to explain your misguided title selections to ANYONE.

8. Hate people with baby voices less.

9. Also hate people who think adding pizza into every equation is hilarious less.

12. Write normcore on a post it note and have someone shit on it. Call it art.

13. Stop dating or suffer the innumerable consequences. The route of the nun is the only way.

14. It is 100% acceptable to think you’re above NYC nightlife groupies. You’re probably not, but equating yourself with them would be detrimental to your mental health.

15. And make sure to explain to them in flowery language how Up & Down was uncool before it even opened.

16. Staring at a blank Word document is not what they had in mind when they coined “means to an end.”

17. Answer all your mom’s questions with “been trill.” Ditto your dad’s.

18. When in doubt, do NOT follow your own lead.

19. Stop editing other people’s blog posts as you read them.

20. Incorporate more picnics into your life.

21. Don’t hang out with people who actually start sentences with “bitches be like…”

22. It’s important to shake things up. So just wear less black.

23. When people claim they “want to work with you” via e-mail, the unspoken contract is that they don’t really mean it unless they meet you in person.

24. Do everything you’ve been doing less, and nothing you‘ve been doing more.

25. When guys from your generation send you love songs it literally means nothing. You’re basically their sister.

26. Don’t even try to pretend that taking a cab at 10pm is ever necessary.

27. Be less aggressive in the 16 Handles line. Cutting is so elementary (school).

28. Stop reading so much self-help porn, it’s not actually helping.

29. “Why Oatmeal is Having a Moment” is definitely not an article you should spend time reading.

30. Start a petition to ban coconut oil from the blogosphere lexicon. #oldnews

31. Also start a workout called CrossPhat for crossfitters who are less annoying.

32. Invest in more loafers.

33. And stop wearing shoes that make your feet bleed.

34. Be prejudiced towards models because it’s fun and, anyway, they’re still prettier than you.

35. Start the “Girls Fart” movement–self explanatory.

36. Pro-tip: 9 times out of 10 people don’t want to hear your extended theories about things. Especially not out on a Saturday night.

37. “Dude, Alexander Wang is not that cool,” is not something you should say to anyone who recently moved to New York or thinks Vogue is the apex of fashion.

38. “It’s just so EASY to have that opinion,” basically translates to “I don’t have any valid argument against that opinion.”

39. Yes, you’re right, those Tisci-designed Nikes were hideous.

40. Get your shit together and start stalking Questlove (*whispers in his ear: Sup Ahmir?*).

41. The Bowery Hotel is a good place to hang out if you want to feel above it all. Nose in the air – optional.

42. And, finally, the moon emoji is not to be trusted.

*

For more Dear Diar-rhea, click here.

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