1. Stop waking up at 3 AM and feverishly biting your nails.
2. Stop waking up at 4 AM when someone’s in your bed to eat a bowl of cereal.
3. Don’t pretend that drinking anything these days, of any quantity, will not result in a hangover.
4. Spend less time trolling the Internet for inspirational quotes.
5. Learn how to add and subtract properly so that your friends don’t have to correct your restaurant checks.
6. Remember that nobody else will find your family’s text message thread nearly as interesting or funny as you do.
7. Stop squeezing your pores until your face turns blue.
8. But do explore the psychology behind why doing gross things like that is so satisfying (see: earwax).
9. Learn how to let go of the newspapers and magazines you don’t have time to read, instead of allowing them to pile up for you to stare at longingly.
10. Breaking into “Drunk in Love” to stay calm in long check-out lines is questionable at best.
11. Stop watching television shows you hate.
12. Write into your will that your family must publish all of the nonsensical but really-smart-sounding notes you take on your phone–usually while bored on public transportation.
13. When people are discussing the benefits of humility, try not to respond, “But I was too insecure growing up to be humble now!”
14. Talk to your therapist about your recent over-favoriting-on-Twitter syndrome.
15. “Films You Need to Watch For Well-Rounded Cultural Critique” is not really a crucial To Do list right now. Save it for retirement.
16. Try not to freeze up like a nervous ten year old when attractive strangers get into elevators with you. This is not TV–you’re not about to make out.
17. Engaging in pseudo-intellectual discussions on New York Magazine comment threads [unpacking the speechifying of “Scandal” writing, say] does not count as being productive.
18. You are not Kanye’s defender. He’ll be okay, and it’s a good idea to decrease your blood pressure when amongst his haters.
19. Keep shit in perspective. KEEP SHIT IN PERSPECTIVE.
20. Write a memoir titled Smart People Playing Dumb to Alleviate Their Guilt.
21. Searching #acaibowl on Instagram is dangerous and masochistic.
22. And liking pictures of newborn babies you don’t know on Instagram is creepy.
23. Write the conclusive takedown piece on cats–their general existence/people’s annoying obsession with them.
24. Don’t order the “whole fish” on the menu at restaurants. You will spend the entire meal de-boning your mouth/nearly choking. Also de-boning your mouth is now your official term for celibacy.
25. Take part in a sleep study immediately, because your “cycle” is out of control. And also “taking part in a sleep study” makes you sound infinitely more interesting than you are.
26.The adrenaline you get in the morning from drinking coffee is going to make A LOT of ideas seem great. Foreshadowing: they’re not great.
27. Anyone who is still using the Poke function on Facebook un-ironically needs to be eliminated from your life.
28. Downloading the ambient noise app that makes your surroundings sound like a coffee shop for the supposed sake of productivity is, well, not the same as being productive.
29. Stop taking the weather so personally.
30. Stink-eyeing the men who grunt (a la orgasms) at the gym won’t translate properly. They have a warped perception of the world, in which they–and their freakishly oversized limbs–are extremely attractive.
31. It is more than okay that you enjoy getting drinks with your parents more than going to the club (that giant sphere of mind-melting debauchery-lite) with people your age. And you shouldn’t have to defend that to anyone.
Categories: Dear Diary.