1. Try to get away with saying things like “I just think Riccardo Tisci’s appropriation of Bravo television stars is a James Franco move in the best sense.” Sidenote: make #jamesfrancomove happen.
2. Don’t let advertorials get the better of you.
3. Stop randomly crossing the street in the middle of conversations with people and expecting them to just know that’s the plan.
4. Also stop pretending you ever know where you’re going. Especially in the West Village.
5. Try to talk less about what an introverted, antisocial freak you are whilst out with people. Especially new people.
6. Don’t assume that bars in NYC that “look cheap” aren’t going to charge you a ridiculous sum for a gin and tonic that has less gin than your average urine sample.
7. Also, assuming that going out is ever going to be remotely fun or life-altering (in any sense other than the depletion of your actual years on earth) is self-sabotage.
8. Nap less. A lot less.
9. Don’t be that girl at the bar yelling about how everyone is projecting their racialized expectations onto Lupita N’yongo.
10. Actually, screw it — do be that girl at the bar.
11. ….But don’t try to eye-fuck someone while you’re doing it.
11. (But seriously if anyone writes another freaking think-piece about Lupita and WHAT IT ALL MEANS I am going to shit my pants. Or something.)
12. Just because you’re taking a class on The Holocaust doesn’t mean that people want to unpack it with you over dinner. Nobody asked for their fish of the day with a side of Hitler.
13. Stop making promises on the blog that you can’t keep. Like that you’re going to have FUN with make-up and other lame things that nobody cares about.
14. Try not to give such blatant stink-eye to the woman cackling on the treadmill at the gym. She might legitimately have tourettes.
15. When someone refers to something as “absolute fucking insanity” that is nowhere near worthy of that description, refrain from pointing it out.
16. Studies show that 99% of maxi dresses are ugly. Never endorse them.
17. In the future, always refer to this lovely season as The Winter of Our Discontent.
18. When someone invites you to the opera don’t respond with, “OMG, this is going to be so Anna Karenina.”‘
19. Even your innocent drunk texts to friends are embarrassing. So just stop.
20. Use the word innards more in daily life.
21. Arguing with your mom about whether a woman that neither of you know would ever be seen in a Ford Fusion is THE dumbest.
22. On that note, most arguments are absurd and make both parties look increasingly less intelligent the longer they go on.
23. Texting someone every few months does not a relationship make. When someone begins to think it does, respond with “What is the nature of this virtual communion? Enlighten me.” That should get rid of them fast.
24. Never, ever live on the Upper East Side again. You might as well move to Canada.
25. Stop adding “–sauce” to every word/name/phrase.
26. Don’t let technology get in bed with you.
27. Retire the term “free spirit” from your vocabulary forever. Mainly because these so-called free spirits are not worthy of your vocal chords.
28. But…loathe less?
29. Don’t try to solve problems in which Neosporin isn’t a solution.
30. Make plans for the dancing girl emoji to be engraved on your tombstone. The hatched egg will upset too many people.
31. Use Sochi as an adjective–i.e. “Listen, you’re getting really Sochi on me and I just need some space.”
32. When you say things like, “Kim Kardashian has become decidedly less Birkin, more Stock,” don’t expect other people to understand.
33. Because no one will ever understand you, and life is a dark, depressing abyss in which the only salvation can be found at the bottom of a Ben & Jerry’s carton, mid-orgasm (if you’re lucky enough to actually be with a dude who can induce one–so, fat chance), or whilst drowning in the cult favorites category of Netflix.
Categories: Dear Diary.