In trying to find words worthy of describing my severe hatred for the site EliteDaily, I am overwhelmed by all the acerbic options. The website “Hannah Horvaths” by claiming to be the voice of Generation Y (the pet name, along with that catchall millennials, for people in my age group), but my experience of this phase of life is glaringly different than what they’ve dressed up as reality. Trying to assign one lifestyle or worldview to an entire generation of people is bound to be arrogant and replete with flimsy notions, but EliteDaily really wins the award for hitting the ball farthest out of the park. Actually, I’m not even sure they’re starting in the park—they’re somewhere far outside it, seemingly locked in the basements of their college frat house, a land where tales of Taylor Swift’s de-virginizer moonlight as worthwhile news.
What I mean by this is that their writers appear tied to the concerns and pastimes of a fresh-out-of-high-school undergrad, one who represents the collegiate strain of the American Way in the most clichéd manner: harping on about alcohol-induced everything, sex on shaky grounds, and firmly gendered ideals about what makes a guy a guy and a girl a girl. Women, here, overuse the word like as if it were fixed in our DNA, they clamor after the one (and not much else), and appear incapable of getting to their jobs on time, not to mention sober. All young men are similarly flawed characters who equate the opposite sex (gays are rarely mentioned) with an entree from Outback Steakhouse, and it’s made clear that if you have a penis, your only respectable option is to work in finance. What we apparently share is a profound inability to take care of ourselves, a penchant for gossip mags and listicles that prevails over any hard news or literature, and a need for life-changing guidance that includes such gems as “Shower and brush your teeth differently to spice up your routine!” Condescending, close-minded, cringe inducing – surely there are many other C words (one that ends in –unty, perhaps) that I could apply to the font of bullshit that this site is built upon.
So, naturally, it was with a complicated mix of pleasure and disdain that I stumbled upon their deeply insightful list titled “The 20 Reasons Every Girl is Over Her 20s.” I wasn’t aware that me and my fellow females were over our twenties, so, lest I be left out, I dove right in. Of course, I don’t think the twenties have been a stroll through Central Park so far either, but it hasn’t all been bad, and the points in this list led me to believe that the author is either still in her very early twenties (and thus not exactly an authority on the entire decade), or just severely stunted maturation-wise. Let’s have a looksy (as no one ever says), and, as per usual, I’ll be sure not to mince words…
1. We’re perennially poor and spending money on the wrong things. So maybe we really didn’t need that extra candle or rouge lipstick, but we had to buy it for our mental health’s sake.
Yes, most of my friends aren’t yet rolling in the dough. But when they’re short on money, they’re smart enough not to use a scented candle or an extra lipstick to dig their cash flow graves.
2. Cleavage, mini skirts and lycra dresses are no longer appealing. Then again, neither are our stiff work clothes.
Well, none of this was ever appealing to me (because I’m LIKE so fucking different, or whatever), but to any of my pals who did dabble in such get-ups, the reaction to finally being free of them has been more along the lines of celebratory (read: “what was I thinking, or not thinking, to be more precise?”), not “man, I wish I still thought that was a good look.” Also, if “stiff work clothes” is what’s making your life hard, you’ve got it good, babe.
3. Flirting has become tedious. Let’s just cut to the chase: Do we like each other and are we going to see each other naked in the near future?
Ah, yes. This is all we care about! Feelings are so juvenile, and freewheeling fuckery is much more worthwhile. Let’s not get to know each other, because that would be brutal. No need to speak words n’ things–my vagina is a mood ring, and if it doesn’t turn purple immediately, you’re a waste of my time.
4. That particular brand of 20-something gloom in which you want to act like a child but your age and the fact that you have to pay for therapy don’t allow for it.
I’ll allow that there is a particular brand of 20-something gloom that kindly checks in every now and then, but it’s more along the lines of “I want to have my shit more together” not “god, can I please just regress?”
5. We don’t care about what’s the latest, nor feel the need to partake in it. Namely: juicing, blown-up music festivals and all-natural-everything.
Right. Now that we’re twenty-something we are immune to pop culture trends, and just like the angsty teenagers we once were, we actively denounce anything that garners widespread appreciation.
6. Casual dating turns into a marriage timeline, even though we can’t afford all these weddings, anyway.
Yes, every time I go on a date I make sure that marriage is a mutual endgame. I totally know what I want in a partner at 23 and am wholly confident in my horrible taste in men.
7. Finding your dream job means perpetually starting over from the bottom. And when you’re suspended at the entry-level, you reluctantly fall back on your parents.
No, finding your dream job usually means just…starting at the bottom, a la Drake, and slowly working your way up. Not perpetually, unless you change your mind every few weeks, and I can’t help ya there.
8. The lack of balance in literally every facet of our lives: love, family, work, play and health.
Call me crazy but I feel like these are the years when our lives finally start to balance out. Sure, the beginning might be a tad rocky but by the time college comes to a close and we enter the working world, it seems that a lot of life’s “facets” are on more-solid ground than they were before. Friendships have solidified, the bad ones have fallen to the wayside, you have a clearer picture of the life you want to lead, and are less likely to whittle away your liver & soul with endless alcohol consumption.
9. Everyone is an entrepreneur or something super-more successful than you at a way younger age. You can’t help but feel lazy when you hear about another Silicon Valley kid making it big.
Let’s not make mountains out of molehills, kiddo.
10. The days of compulsively uploading on Facebook and updating statuses on Twitter have fizzled out. When our days are jam-packed with spin classes and meetings and coffee dates, there’s no time to see if Cynthia got those special Oreos from 7-11.
Wait, what? First of all who is Cynthia and what are these special Oreos she speaks of? On a more important note, if all of our days are jam-packed with spin classes and coffee dates then I might not be a real twenty-something. Side-side-note: if that’s what’s taking up all of your time, you really should revel in it rather than renounce it.
11. You’re ready to purge your phonebook of extraneous acquaintances, but you’re still obligated to be friendly. It’s only been a few years since college, which means you can’t pretend like you don’t remember your Biochem partner. The stop-and-chat is a painful requirement on the 20-something itinerary.
Ugh, yeah, societal niceties are so painful. I hate having to use up my miniscule energy reserves for the sake of acknowledging people I know, let alone asking how they are. Sorry to break it to ya, honey, but that won’t miraculously end when you hit thirty.
12. The vacation days we can’t afford to take, assuming our bosses wouldn’t chop our heads off for even asking for time off. Despite working harder than ever, we still haven’t earned them yet.
Look, don’t be offended, but it doesn’t really sound like you’re working “harder than ever.” Slight exaggeration, perhaps? Also, everyone I know who’s employed has been allowed some vacation time…so let’s not make widespread assumptions here.
13. We’d rather be cozy at home than fighting frizz and bouncers while waiting outside a club.
This is the only remotely on-point thing you’ve said. Although “fighting frizz” is not why I hate going out—but, ironically, people who think “fighting frizz” is reason enough to stay home are the main reason I don’t go to clubs.
14. The luxury of taking care of yourself and making your own choices has lost its allure. It’d be nice for someone to look after us every once in a while. These are the weekends you return home in a moment of weakness.
Reality is tough, sure. Paying bills and all that jazz, not exactly exhilarating. But would I exchange it for the time-outs of yore and having every hour of my day planned out for me? Nope.
15. Post-21 birthdays are a slew of depressing ones. Twenty-two is for the blues. Nobody likes you when you’re 23, and 24 you might as well not even celebrate.
I was not aware that 23 held such a stigma—please elaborate. And please continue making grand, meaningless statements.
16. Constantly having a ruined phone, outfit or ego because you thought you could handle your liquor better.
This reeks of college, or someone perpetually stuck in collegiate-level behaviors.
17. Roommates are your new family, except they won’t love you unconditionally when you clog the shower with hair or lock yourself out at 4 am.
Pro-tip: buy some drain-o and don’t be dumb enough to lock yourself out at 4am.
18. We’re tired of being society’s whipping post: unpaid internships, skyrocketing student loans and impossible paperwork to rent an apartment.
Hahahahahahaha. Yes, we twenty-something’s are the absolute asscrack of society. Poverty’s got nothing on us. I mean, paperwork to rent an apartment?! Who do they think we are?
19. The bodily changes that occur when your insides are under attack from excess alcohol, junk and sugar substitutes.
Crazy new concept: eating healthy most of the time, and exercising. Brushing your teeth and regularly visiting the doctor helps keep such inner-attacks in check, too. Generally not living the way you did as a wide-eyed college student is a good plan of attack.
20. Lists like this.
I agree, these lists are stupid, as I’ve pointed out above. But what’s even more stupid is trying to make up for their stupidity with an ironic ender like this. Irony isn’t always necessary when trying to communicate a point, sincerity is a REAL thing, too—I know it’s hard for you folks at EliteDaily to comprehend, but just…mull it over, will you?