1. Don’t be so thirsty on Instagram.
2. Pro-tip: Assuming that something’s going to go wrong before it goes wrong usually ensures that that thing will end up going wrong.
3. Don’t read Mein Kampf on public transportation (Not a neo-Nazi, had to read it for a class).
4. Don’t walk on the heels of slow walkers so aggressively that you could practically kiss their necks. Creepy.
5. Stop telling people that Jared Leto is your biggest girl crush. Also, reevaluate that.
6. The only “fashion person” you’re allowed to aspire towards being is Hannah Bronfman. She is it.
7. You don’t always have to play the devil’s advocate. People will hate you.
8. Invest yourself less in Shia LaBoeuf’s wellbeing.
9. Having to pep talk yourself into going on a date with someone is usually a good sign that it’s not meant to be.
10. Don’t go out on a Saturday night just to sit at the bar next to your best friend while you both vigorously text other people. Even if you’re both genuinely enjoying it.
11. Don’t go to bars where The Shining is playing on every TV, either.
12. Don’t let people sleep over because you’ll wake up five hours before them and have to sit there staring silently into space until they wake up.
13. It’s generally a good idea to lock bathroom doors so that your ass doesn’t become an unexpected amuse-bouche for the entire restaurant.
14. Talk to your therapist about your coffee dependence issues.
15. Look less visibly irritated when people regurgitate what the teacher just said in class.
16. Create a tee shirt that says “I Am Not The Repository for Your Thoughts on Woody Allen” with “So Fuck Off” on the back.
17. Next year, bring back the Barbie-bedecked cakes of your youth.
18. Find out where Frank Bruni hangs out and stalk him endlessly.
19. Try not to fall asleep when you’re out to dinner with a group of 8. Some might call this “rude.” No yawning endlessly either.
20. When someone tells you that they wake up every morning and think “Today, I will not kill myself,” and you suddenly respect them more than before–that’s kind of disturbing. You should probably explore it.
21. Hindsight is not your friend. Not now, not ever.
22. Never give up your “delicate feminist sensibilities.” And always, always end arguments with “run along now.”
23. “Cultural re-appropriation is my shit” is something you should definitely never say.
24. Spend less of your days laughing at Tinder taglines.
25. Befriend the grandma at the gym who wears a I Rolled One With Wiz Khalifa tee every day. Find out her story.
26. The appropriate response to an e-mail is…responding to it. Preferably not four weeks after it’s sent.
27. Stop fondling your smartphone in bed. When it’s time to sleep, you must let it go.
28. Just because your siblings appreciate you breaking out into song unexpectedly doesn’t mean you should subject your friends to it.
29. If Jennifer Aniston can interview Gloria Steinem, then so can you. The sky’s the limit, babe.
30. But most importantly: track down some quaaludes for Valentine’s Day.
For more Dear Diary posts, check out the archive here.
Categories: Dear Diary.