1. Next time you do something that bothers your parents (or anyone for that matter), just tell them your chakras are off.
2. When writing about fashion trends be sure to use really big words that make virtually no sense in that context, because that’s what cool bloggers do.
3. Disregard people who look down on the internet.
4. Continue bombarding your family with links about pubic hair, why it’s high time to invest in marijuana, etc.
5. Use “etsy” as a verb. i.e. She just etsy’d the fuck out of her bedroom.
6. Get rich quick idea: apply kittens to everything.
7. Write a children’s book called Judgy Wudgy Was A Bear.
8. Anyone who describes a make-up technique as mind blowing should be swiftly eliminated from your life.
9. Sign yourself up for Orgasm School. Yes, it really exists.
10. Stop going on Twitter tangents.
11. Invest in more beanies.
12. Research whether or not small spaces lead to insanity, and consider moving.
13. Whip out PowerPoint presentations in casual conversation just to see how people react.
14. Don’t make snap judgments about girls in too-small Herve dresses; we’re all fighting the good, pro-vag fight.
15. More Missy Elliott, always, everyday.
16. Never date a guy who doesn’t understand how sensual sniffing is.
17. Find Spike Jonze and seduce him.
18. Be less preachy about your favorite cultural gems (i.e. don’t remind people twelve times to watch the same movie until they’ve heard about it from you so much that they don’t want to).
20. If you get “sad-white-boy” vibes from someone who’s hitting on you, run.
21. Try to hate J.R. Smith less, holding on to anger is no bueno.
22. Write a thesis paper on why the ‘naked-dress’ trend is significantly less groundbreaking/shock-worthy than covered skin. Submit it to no one because no one will care.
23. You really shouldn’t be surprised anymore by headlines like “Help! I Want to Kill Myself So My Family Gets the Insurance.”
24. Learn how to sleep.
25. Refer to vague things like moon shifts and the Sun-Uranus alignment in casual conversation.
26. On that note, make the word ‘horoscoping’ happen–definition: choosing a mate based on the surely 100% accurate science that is astrology.
27. Stop pretending that you like to engage in the debauchery that most twenty-somethings enjoy, and stay home with a book.
28. Seriously, your friends know you’re not having fun.
29. Work on hiding those cues, by the way. It’s called being ‘respectful.’
30. Delete QuizUp from your phone before your relationship with it reaches Her territory.
31. Metta World Peace’s Twitter account is not “everything” — though it comes close.
Categories: Dear Diary.