Dear Diary.

Dear Diary #9.

1. Don’t say things like “I’m about that Celestial Seasonings life” — nobody likes a granola Kanye West.

2. Stop procrastinating by reading articles on how to curb procrastination. Good intentions, bad results.

3. Nobody wants to hear about how awesome the shaved brussel sprouts salad was at your Christmas Eve dinner. Stick with the crowd-pleaser, pie.

4. Winning the staring contest with your psychiatrist is not cocktail party small-talk material, either.

5. Don’t date guys who talk to you like they’re selling something.

6. Don’t date guys who start conversations with “sup.”

7. Try not to beam like such a fucking idiot every time Beyonce sings “let me sit this ass on you.”

8. Stop getting sucked into celebrity Instagram feeds.

9. Don’t order clothes online at 3 AM.

10. Stop eating things that consistently give you stomach aches and then complaining about it.

11. You’ll regret that cute but impractical coat when you’re dead from frostbite.

12. Nikes at the club are always a good idea — thanks, pal Maia.

13. Call people more, studies show it’s good for the soul or something.

14. Have a ritual burning of half of your wardrobe because it sucks.

15. Try to remember that you’re 23 now when contemplating all borderline irresponsible decisions.

16. Be weary of anyone who constantly tells you that people are “jealous” of them.

17. Get your oven fixed, now that it’s been a good 6 months since you last vowed to do that. Try…making vaguely edible shit.

18. Stop hoarding old copies of The Sunday Review as if your life depends on reading every last word.

19. Try to hate Rihanna and Cara Delevingne less. What did they ever do to you?

20. Make a point to infuse all future writing with Beyonce lyrics, but refrain from closing with “bow down, bitches.”

21. Stop finally falling in love with people after they’ve fallen out of love with you. Your timing is awful.

22. Do more. Think less (a LOT less).

23. If your justification for buying something is along the lines of “This would be so cute for work!” you probably shouldn’t buy it, seeing as you don’t have a job. Same goes for “This would be so cute for that such-and-such theme party that will never take place.”

24. Start a movement called Suck My Green Juice, in which you send articles to people about how too much green juice is actually horrendous for your thyroid and your teeth (true story!)

25. Do more obnoxious things like the above.

26. Stare blankly at people less–especially when they’re speaking directly to you. It’s creepy.

27. Don’t be so offended when people don’t worship at the altar of your favorite television shows.

28. Basically, be less invested in television shows altogether.

29. Tell your iPhone that you need some space, and that you’d like to stop sharing a bed.

30. Get used to being shoved by psycho-bitch Upper East Side mothers on the subway who think they “run this shit” – “this shit” being the 456 lines. Be one with these crazy baby-mamas.

31. Never, ever smile for a guy who asks “why aren’t you smiling?” Because I don’t want to, and my vagina doesn’t come with a permanent smile, shithead.

32. Always play mind games with yourself, especially those that relate to surviving the cold weather, i.e. “If you go outside for more than 5 minutes today, you win the Hunger Games and will never get cancer.”

33. Go skiing immediately. Even the Kardashians have gone skiing this year, dude, step it up.

34. Don’t tell people you love basketball because they assume that means you actually follow it. Watching Hoop Dreams fifty times, liking the “aesthetics” of the game, and having a minor obsession with Metta World Peace does not a “true fan” make.

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