Inspired by this epic post on The Cut – a Dear Diary-esque post:

–       To magically intuit biblical history so that I don’t actually have to slog through it myself in an effort to support all future literary analysis (zee Bible is alluded to everywhere, man).

–       The ability to meditate successfully.

–       To have my body transcend all future running injuries.

–       For young men to actually learn something about the female down-under so that they can stop jabbing their hands around aimlessly like drunk orchestra conductors.

–       For my Dad to never use the word twerk again.

–       For people to stop asking me to do their writing for them just because I’m a writer. Unless I love you dearly (like ‘til death do us part dearly), no thanks.

–       Permanently shaved legs because it’s just so damn tedious.

–       For people to be more upfront about what they want/about directly asking for it.

–       An always on-point horoscope that is based entirely in reality and not made up by some hippie bitch writing from a beach chair in Santa Monica.

–       For my brother to be less emotionally attached to ESPN.

–       The massive death of all existing fruit flies.

–       Cheaper cocktails enforced throughout New York City.

–       For my mom to be less intuitive.

–       For my friends to continue being exactly as awesome as they already are.

–       For Kanye and Kim to actually get married at Versailles, and invite me.