Inspired by this epic post on The Cut – a Dear Diary-esque post:
– To magically intuit biblical history so that I don’t actually have to slog through it myself in an effort to support all future literary analysis (zee Bible is alluded to everywhere, man).
– The ability to meditate successfully.
– To have my body transcend all future running injuries.
– For young men to actually learn something about the female down-under so that they can stop jabbing their hands around aimlessly like drunk orchestra conductors.
– For my Dad to never use the word twerk again.
– For people to stop asking me to do their writing for them just because I’m a writer. Unless I love you dearly (like ‘til death do us part dearly), no thanks.
– Permanently shaved legs because it’s just so damn tedious.
– For people to be more upfront about what they want/about directly asking for it.
– An always on-point horoscope that is based entirely in reality and not made up by some hippie bitch writing from a beach chair in Santa Monica.
– For my brother to be less emotionally attached to ESPN.
– The massive death of all existing fruit flies.
– Cheaper cocktails enforced throughout New York City.
– For my mom to be less intuitive.
– For my friends to continue being exactly as awesome as they already are.
– For Kanye and Kim to actually get married at Versailles, and invite me.
Categories: Dear Diary.