1. Try to subdue your blatant disgust upon noticing that the person next to you on the subway is listening to Fall Out Boy.
2. Trying to convince people to come to a party by telling them that “everyone here sucks” is counterproductive.
3. Stop believing all the stories you tell yourself.
4. Cracking up to yourself on the subway is creepy—refrain.
5. Rolling around in the back of a large truck is probably not the safest mode of transportation.
6. Never subject yourself to bars that play country music again.
7. Also never subject yourself to 99% of the bars in New York City on Friday and Saturday nights if you want to avoid witnessing the demise of civilization.
8. Bring chicken nuggets back into your life.
9. The ability to remember a handful of people’s names an hour after meeting them for the first time does not qualify as a “feat.”
10. A taxi-cab driven by a German person is not the best arena for you to share your ‘imitation of German people’ in. Low blow.
11. Stop being such a nostalgic motherfucker.
12. Talk to someone about your technological attachment issues.
13. While you’re at it, explore your compulsion to eat cereal [as opposed to other breakfast foods] every single morning, and the grief that ensues when you don’t.
14. Make all things Lisa Frank happen again.
15. Don’t stubbornly argue the difference between a typhoon and hurricane (which is basically nothing) when you know jack shit about what you’re saying.
16. Don’t go all the way downtown dressed like a hobo, tell your friends you might go out, put on make-up to get inspired, and then decide the entire journey was futile and you just want froyo and your bed.
17. A good rule of thumb is: don’t tell people who aren’t your best friends things that your best friends wouldn’t think twice about. Basically, be less yourself around them.
18. Have more conversations in public about most twenty-something male’s inability to comprehend female anatomy properly and thus fail at generating orgasms.
19. Try to hate yourself less when you tell people you have a blog. Just own it, girl.
20. If you meet someone at a party who says things like, “Well he comments on my Instagrams so I think I’ll fuck him,” it’s totally acceptable to walk away mid-conversation.
21. That $1,500 Proenza dress is not going to change your life—don’t even think about it.
22. Don’t be offended when the general public thinks Celine is a who, not a what.
23. If you have the option to keep a toxic person out of your life, always choose it.
24. Write down your damn passwords so that you aren’t having to change them all every single day.
25. Spend less time reading @GoogleFacts on Twitter.
26. Spend less time on Twitter in general, that slutty little time-suck isn’t doing you any favors.
27. People who think it’s enough to simply text you all the time are not real friends. Real friends exist in reality, too.
28. Be concerned when your criteria for a good guy is “well, he’s been consistently nice for two weeks and has yet to manipulate or mindfuck.”
29. The time has come to delete Tinder. You two have had a good run, if by good you mean wildly-entertaining-meets-emotionally-unsettling.
30. And, no Jessica, despite your penchant for that combination, it is not one to aspire towards.
Categories: Dear Diary.