1. Hotly debating whether or not a woman should shave her pubic hair at a party of ex-frat boys is not “chill.”
2. Staring at your apartment door longingly after you’ve locked yourself out will not magically make it open.
3. Doing your laundry and changing your sheets does not mean you have your shit together. But, nice try.
4. Frozen yogurt is still not a necessary food group. And thinking so will only end in tears [read: no $$$].
5. Speaking of which, stop taking cabs like you’re fucking Blair Waldorf. You are b-r-o-k-e.
6. Don’t say things like “I’m having an existential crisis” while applying your make-up, you look and sound like an asshole.
7. Don’t take Jennifer Lawrence’s awful pixie cut personally. And, yes, you still need to face the day.
8. Men who wear pinky rings? Don’t go anywhere near them.
9. When someone is concerned about your well-being because you’re not being “cynical enough,” you should probably reevaluate your entire life.
10. Speaking of cynicism/truth: some people do change, but the majority don’t. Remember this.
11. You really need to work on upping the presence of Swedes in your life. They are the ultimate.
12. Apparently the cure for your insomnia is sleeping in a room with no windows or noise. Move somewhere exactly like this. Try not to lose your mind.
13. If someone tells you you’re “the best thing to ever happen to them” within weeks of meeting you, run.
14. Now that you’ve discovered you like cider, you can stop drinking gin & tonics all the time like a beeetch.
15. Never say “beeetch” again.
16. Stop buying new books until you actually manage to finish the first gigantic pile that you purchased.
17. Also, loading up various online shopping carts with things you want, don’t need, and will never buy is not a productive use of your time.
18. Ravioli is the secret to your happiness.
19. Cats are not the enemy.
20. People don’t want to hear about how overrated you think Love, Actually is. People LOVE Love, Actually.
21. High-fiving is not a thing anymore. Resist the urge or deal with the awkward consequences.
22. Don’t zone out on people’s faces while riding the subway.
23. Not all text messages need to be psychoanalyzed, you liberal arts educated loser.
24. When you’re feeling high as a kite after a run, don’t expect anyone else to get on your level. No, they don’t think everything is as beautiful as you do right now.
25. Think of a more original phrase than “high as a kite” next time.
26. When you dress up as a vague rendition of Harold from Harold and Maude for Halloween and no one gets it, you’re not allowed to be upset.
27. If a college student asks you “if you’re going to your school’s formal,” resist the urge to kill them.
28. Try to resolve your conflicted feelings about Brooklyn.
29. Try to tone down your use of Emojis. It’s out of control.
30. Try to tone down complaining about everything.
31. Try to tone down opening your mouth.
32. Just stay in bed.
Categories: Dear Diary.