1. Just because someone doesn’t like Homeland, doesn’t mean they don’t like you.
2. Stop trying to pay for your morning coffee with pennies.
3. Be less affronted by people who insult Kanye.
4. When you’re making eyes at someone on the subway and they’re making eyes back, try not to crack up nervously. Just weird.
5. Don’t describe your ass as “looking like it just ate your entire body.”
6. Take the bus more often.
7. Go back to never being spontaneous because you being spontaneous usually ends in disaster.
8. Download all apps that make it impossible to drunk text people you actually loathe when you’re sober.
9. On that note: never ever make a decision with your drunken vagina.
10. Start seeing more movies. Escaping from reality is mucho importante.
11. Try to make it less obvious when you meet someone and instantly can’t stand them. Read: don’t be a dick.
12. Don’t ask for the advice you want, ask for the advice you NEED [has a lot to do with WHO you’re asking].
13. Subscribe to Hip Hop Weekly.
14. Never ever wear heels that make your feet look and feel like sausage casserole again. Not worth it.
15. Keep trying to get your shit together and maintain blind hope when you continue to fail.
16. If a guy uses words like “brevity” in a casual text, he’s probably trying to overcompensate for something. Remember this.
17. Spend more time in scuzzy Chinatown karaoke bars.
18. Have better follow-through, just generally.
19. Wear red more often.
20. Just because someone is nice when you first meet them doesn’t mean they’re not secretly a raging sociopath. Don’t forget this.
21. Never go out on Friday or Saturday night in NYC. Leave that to the hoes n’ bros that those nights cater to.
22 Leaving the house without your wallet is generally a bad idea. Your brain? Use it.
23. Be a less awkward hugger. Don’t pull away the second you go in for the hug, people take it personally and/or think you’re a freak.
24. Revisit N*SYNC.
25. Don’t try new things–you hate new things.
26. Don’t sleep with people who work for your family members. Terrible, terrible idea.
27. Don’t sleep with sous-chefs.
28. Don’t sleep with men who live across the country.
29. Don’t sleep with men who work in finance.
30. On that note, you should just give up sex altogether.
Categories: Dear Diary.