1. When someone totally misinterprets a movie you’re watching together, it’s best to refrain from telling them how stupid they are.
2. Write an ode to your dermatologist who essentially saved your life by viciously attacking your face.
3. Then discuss your “Bringing Sexy B’Acne” book idea with her, despite the fact that you’ve never had back-ne.
4. Start a clothing line called Bacne and tell everyone it’s the low-end version of Acne (which for those of you who are uninformed, read: the old folk, is an actual clothing line).
5. Attend more sketchy German bars with new friends. Come to think of it, meet all new friends at said bars.
6. Stay at least five feet away from the old man at the gym whose sweat gets flung, without fail, in your direction. You have enough nightmares.
7. Stop pretending that the newest Sofia Coppola movie is going to be good. You know it was all down hill after Lost in Translation.
8. Don’t send cliffhanger texts to your friends that you then don’t follow up on for 24 hours. They will worry.
9. Stop using “it’s” incorrectly so that your mother can stop e-mailing you blog edits and making you feel incredibly dumb.
10. Be less flaky. Not everyone in your life knows how much you love them, and this behavior isn’t helping.
11. Stop complaining. Your biggest problem right now is the two fruit flies setting up shop in your apartment.
12. But seriously deal with that because it’s gross.
13. As much as you’d like it to, the NY Times should not come before work…with deadlines. Stop pretending it does.
14. Stop referring to people as your ex-lover. Sarcastic or not, you sound like a douche.
15. Don’t feel the need to share your opinion so often. It will significantly improve your life.
16. Revisit Sailor Moon.
17. Asking people what their astrological sign is immediately upon meeting them makes you sound like a hippie bitch. You’re more bitch than hippie.
18. Talk to your therapist about the fact that every time you see a “Please curb your dog” sign you hear it as a man referencing a woman. This can’t be a good sign re: the effects of misogyny on your brain.
19. Consider getting a hamster. Name it Gertrude. Knit it little sweaters and feel wholesome.
20. Yoga. Do it regularly. Pray that it is as disgustingly effective as all yogis make it seem.
21. Plan your Halloween costume. You shall be Darth Vadress, Darth’s paleo-eating ex-wife who recently converted to scientology and has a thing for Yoda (crucial details, to be sure).
22. Speaking of which, Star Wars needs to have a greater presence in your life.
23. Stop eating fro-yo, it’s so unfulfilling.
24. Create a tip jar for putting quarters in when you procrastinate. Give the tip jar back to yourself when you’re feeling blue.
25. Invest yourself less in Lindsay Lohan’s wellbeing. She will only let you down.
26. People with dumb tattoos aren’t a good addition to your life. Ever.
27. Find out if Kid Pix still exists and, if it does, use it immediately.
28. Holding your nose around people smoking on the street will not really help the cause and makes you a total asshole.
29. Give yourself two days to mourn the loss of Damian Lewis’s beautiful ginger locks, and then move forward. Life must go on.
30. On that note, Homeland is returning. Be cool.
Categories: Dear Diary.