1. Spend less time comparing your life to everything on Pinterest. [Sidenote: Fuck Pinterest.]

2. Order a new pair of sneakers. Hot glue gun all your old pairs together and call it art.

3. Find out who Robert Kardashian’s publicist is. Then do something with that information.

4. Journal about your daddy issues. Everyone’s doing it!

5. Create an ice cream flavor hierarchy to be taped to the fridge. Don’t talk to anyone who likes strawberry.

6. Work on your backstroke.

7. Talk to someone about your blowjob anxiety.

8. Idolize your therapist less.

9. Tweet something Nabokov said and feel like an utter douche bag.

10. Browse the dictionary every night before bed.

11. Take an hour making your hair look “slept in.”

12. Work on being a generally less paranoid person.

13. Buy a sarong.

14. Try to identify all the samples in Yeezus because it will impress people and they will like you more.

15. Buy that overpriced organic deodorant because the bottle is pleasant to look at.

16. Watch Planet Earth more [sidenote: remember that you’re not the center of the universe and write it down in your journal for good measure.]

17. Stop romanticizing everyone you meet.

18. Update your social media less. It’s embarrassing.

19. Plan your next life in Sweden.

20. Think about ways to capitalize on the vast Judy Blume cannon, there’s a lot of potential there.