Dear Diary.

Dear Diary, #1.

1. Try to meditate away your pimples like that girl in that magazine said she did.

2. Start scrapbooking. That’s something nice people do.

3. Shave your armpits on a more-regular basis.

4. Think about gardening.

5. Say something kind about your thighs.

6. Be less of a dick, generally.

7. Delete embarrassing television shows [notably, The Rachel Zoe Project] from your iTunes Library incase you don’t die alone.

8. Delete the G-rated nudie pictures you sent your college lover. Vow never to do that again [write it down for good measure].

9. Frown less.

10. Read the sports section so that you have a vague enough idea of “current events” and can follow a football game more than you can at present, which is: not at all.

11. Try to self-loathe less. Take a bath?

12. Try to make people less uncomfortable with the things you say.

13. Feel better about yourself by thinking about people’s shitty tattoos.

14. Switch up your cereal routine.

15. Mentally cockblock yourself.

16. Curate your life better.

17. Boost your faltering confidence with Instagram selfies.

18. Listen to jazz if it feels right in the moment.

19. Try to apply any of the Adorno you’ve read to the Kardashians [namedrop Adorno more often.]

20. Moisturize.

21. Use less toilet paper.

22. Slowly phase out your ample emoji usage throughout the day.

23. Don’t itch the mosquito bite on your butt.

24. Take a cold shower because Liv Tyler said in an interview once that it makes you skinnier.

25. But, like, embrace your body.

26. Only date men who aren’t scared of pubic hair, vaginal blood.

27. Take an impromptu swim in the pool and then tell people you took an impromptu swim in the pool. It makes you seem spontaneous, WHIMSICAL.

28. Run in the rain for street credibility.

29. Never forget to put arnica on your ass post-bike ride.

30. Eat significantly less hummus because it fails to satiate.

31. Remember that the happiest people are the most delusional, think less.

Categories: Dear Diary.

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